More Blonde jokes

Q. Why do blondes wear pony-tails? - To hide the air valve.
Q. Why did the blonde bury her driver's licence? - Because it had expired.
Q. What did the blonde ask when told she was pregnant? - How do you know it's mine?
Q. What is the mating call of a blonde? - "I'm soooo drunk!"
Q. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? - "She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."
Q. Why did the blonde only change her baby's disposable diaper once a month? - Because it said on the bag "good for up to 20 lb."
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? - "Look, they spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q. Why did the blonde not use her AM radio in the afternoon? - Because it was AM radio not PM radio.
Q. Why did the blonde climb on the roof? - She heard drinks were on the house.
Q. Why did the blonde wash her hair in the kitchen sink? - Because that' where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde? - Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? - Because it said "concentrate."
Q. Why do employer give blondes only half an hour for lunch? - Any longer and they'd have to retrain them.
Q. Why did the blonde move to LA? - Because it was easier to spell.
Q. How do you drown a blonde? - Put a mirror in front of your swimming pool.
Q. What do bleached blondes and 747s planes have in common? - Black boxes.

Rooster substitue

A man was driving on a country road and ran over a rooster which was crossing the road. He felt remorseful and went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. An old woman opened the door. He said, "I ran over your rooster - I would like to replace him."
"Please yourself," she replied. "The hens are round in the back of the house."

Godlike son

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first said: "My son's a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second lady said: "My son's a bishop. When he walks into a room, they say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third lady said: "My son's a cardinal. When he walks into a room, they say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth lady sipped her coffee in silence.
"Well?" asked the other three.
Finally she said: "My son is 6 feet 2 inches tall, wealthy, and gorgeous looking. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'"

Q. What did the number 0 say to number 8?

A. "Nice belt!"

Bumper Stickers

1. Go ahead and honk, I'm reloading.
2. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
3. So many pedestrians, so little time.
4. Minimum wage for politicians.
5. 10,000,000 sperms and you were the fastest?
6. To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
7. Eat a prune and start a movement.
8. I took my IQ test - it came back negative.
9. Now that you're on my tail, you wanna get married?
10. That's not a haircut - it's a cry for help.
11. Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
12. I'm not in heat so get off my tail.
13. Sssh. The driver is sleeping.
14. Air pollution is a mist-demeanour.
15. Say no to shampoo - demand real poo.
16. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
17. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
18. I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa...not yelling, and screaming like the passengers in his car.
19. We're not old people, we're recycled teenagers.
20. If that cell phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better.
21. My car, my dear mobile diner, office, and bedroom.
22. To err is human, to moo bovine.
23. This driver is cleverly disguised as a responsible and sober adult.
24. Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
25. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
26. This car is protected my Smith and Wesson.
27. Caution! Driver applying make-up.
28. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
29. I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.
30. Go ahead and hit me. I need the money.
31. This car is onstipated: it hasn't passed a thing all day.
32. You! Out of the gene pool!
33. Never mind the dog - Beware of the owner!
34. Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
35. Evacuate the road - student driving!
36. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
37. Smile and the whole world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.
38. I've not lost my mind - it's backed up on a disk somewhere.
39. I straight: don't rear end me.
40. Born free...taxed to death.
41. I just got lost in thought. It was afterall unfamiliar territory.
42. Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
43. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
44. I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
45. I brake for hallucinations.
46. Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.
47. Drive defensively - buy a tank.
48. Spare the fenders, save the trees, give your sober friend the f***ing keys!
49. Don't honk - I'm pedalling as fast as I can.
50. Warning: I have an attitutde and I know how to use it.
51. Flies spread disease. Keep yours closed.

Brains vs Brawns!

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in.

The Golf Course Story

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golfcourse, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”“No, I won’t”, he responded.“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath while his sides ached and his face turned bright red.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H… so I’m still a hole behind you.”

Yo mama is so fat...

1. Yo mama is so fat, that when she stood on a scale, it read "...to be continued.
2. Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.
3. Yo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
4. Yo mama is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
5. Yo mama is so fat her high school graduation picture was an aerial photo shot.
6. Yo mama is so fat she had to go to seaworld to be baptized.
7. Yo mama is so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
8. Yo mama is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs.
9. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
10. Yo mama is so fat the National Weather Agency has names for her farts.
11. Yo mama is so fat she had to have her ears pierced by a harpoon.
12. Yo mama is so fat she could be the eight continent.
13. Yo mama is so fat she puts lipstick with a paint-roller

Q. What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?

A. They were marooned.

Q. What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

A. Poultry in motion.

Space Shuttle SRBs and width of 2 horse asses

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, and 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheelspacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagonwheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/ Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses'asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launchpad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs aremade by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designedthe SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but theSRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launchsite. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through atunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and therailroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!

Reasons why it's not always great being a man:

1. If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for nothing bum.
2. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
3. If you mention how nice she look, it's sexual harassment; if you don't you're rude and arrogant.
4. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
5. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, it's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.

Reasons why it is great to be a man:

1. People never glance at your chest while you're talking to them.
2. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
3. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
4. All your orgasms are real.
5. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around wherever you go.
6. You can sleep around without any stain on your character.
7. Flowers fix everything.
8. You can sit with you knees apart.
9. You can eat a banana in public.

What do you call a man...?

1. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? - Doug.
2. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff.
3. What do you call a man in debt? - Owen.
4. What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack.
5. What do you call a man with a government subsidy? - Grant.
6. What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his ass? - Warren.
7. What do you call a man with a sports equipment on his head? - Jim.
8. What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his brain? - Widower.

Q. What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

A. Get married on his birthday.

Ways to be obnoxious at a funeral:

1. Tell the widow she looks hot and horny in black.
2. Take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
3. Drive behind the hearse playing rap music loud and keep honking your horn.
4. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
5. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
6. Listen to you iPod and do a booty shake dance at the graveside.
7. Ask the widow for the $10 the deceased owed you.
8. Tell the widow you're the deceased secret gay lover.
9. Attend the funeral wearing a clown's costume.
10. Everytime the widow cries and wipes her nose, blow a rasperry.
11. Slip plastic vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Things not to say to your prospective boss at a job interview:

1. I want your job.
2. I never work in the afternoon - I'm too drunk.
3. Do you want to hear about my police record?
4. Who's that old hag in the photo on your desk?
5. Have you just farted?
6. Where the hell did you get that tie?
7. I bet you have a crush on your secretary.
8. The voices in my head told me to come for this interview.
9. Now, that's a stupid question to ask....

Landed or Shot down!

After a really bumpy landing, the frightened passengers scurried out of the aircraft. Last one to leave was a little old lady who paused at the exit door and said shakily to the flight attendant: "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

Genuine answers given on written driving exams in California

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my licence plate.

Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.

Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.

Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she's cute.

Funny, genuine product slogans that did not translate well

1. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" was translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".
2. The Ford Pinto car met with a lukewarm response in Brazil where "pinto" is slang for "tiny male genitals". So Ford renamed the car Corcel, meaning "horse".
3. When Coors translated its slogan "Turn it loose" into Spanish, it came out as "Suffer from diarrhea".
4. Scandinavian vacuum-cleaner manufacturer Electrolux ran a US campaign: "Nothing sucks liks an Electrolux". In America, "sucks" is less than complimentary.
5. General Motors' Chevrolet Nova floppe in Spain because "no va" means "won't go".
6. The KFC slogan "finger-lickin' good" came across in Chinese as "eat your fingers off".
7. Bacardi concocted a fruit drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic, only to learn that in Germany "Pavian" means baboon.

Neurotic, psychotic, and psychiatrist

A neurotic is a guy who build castles in the air. A psychotic is a guy who lives in it. A psychiatrist is a guy who collects the rent.

Croaking grandpa

A little boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me, Grandpa."
"No son. I don't feel like making a frog noise right now."
"Oh, please, Granpa, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh, please Grandpa, make a frog noise."
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Cos Mum says when you croak we can go to Disneyworld."

Q. Why did the tomato blush?

A. Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.

Drunks on railway tracks

Two drunks were staggering home along the railway tracks.
The first said: "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second nodded: "Sure is! And the handrail is too low."

Penguin Mate

A guy contacted a computer dating agency in search of his ideal mate. He said: "I want a partner who is small and cute, who loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Ten seconds later, the computer printed out the identity of his dream companion: a penguin.

Twin, triplets, and septuplets

Three men were waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward at the city hospital. After a few minutes, a nurse came out to tell the first man: "Congratulations! You're the father of twin."
"Twins!" he exclaimed. "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company!"
Shortly afterwards, a nurse came to tell the second man: "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets."
"Triplets!" he said. "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M company!"
The third man stood up ashen-face and muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7 Up!"

President Bush a genius!

Here's one from Jay Leno, host of Tonight show - "An aide to the Prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his dad's money, lost the popular vote and yet ended up President. That's not a moron, that's genius!"

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

A giant Panda walked into a restaurant. He oredered some food, ate it, than pulled out a gun and blew the brains out of the waiter. Alerted by the shots, the manager appeared just as the panda was making his way to the door.
"Hey you!" yelled the manager. "You just shot my waiter. Where do you thing your'e going?"
The panda replied calmly, waving his gun at the manager. "I'm a panda. Just look it up in the dictionary."
When the panda was gone, the manager looked up in the dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said: "Furry mammal, lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Q. What's a zebra?

A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his mother was in a jam!

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words: " A woman without her man is nothing" on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote :"A woman: without her, man is nothing." Punctuation is powerful!!

The Heights

1. Height of Confusion - Two worms trying to screw around in a bowl of noodles.
2. Height of pain - A guy sliding down a razor's edge using his balls as brakes.
3. Height of revenge - A bastard with a pin in his hand, lose in a condom factory.
4. Height of Noise - Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
5. Height of Innocence - A teenage girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking these were zits.
6. Height of Unemployment - Cobwebs in prostitute's vagina.
   

The mom is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question : Where's the father?

Answer:
The mom is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) 5.
Hence, C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4 = -9 months.
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months."
So right now, the father is on top of the MOTHER!!"

Tit for Tat

A shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful chick sitting alone. After an hour he musters enough courage to go and ask her, "Ahem! Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She yells at him, " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS AN HOUR. THATS TOO MUCH!"

Parrots get dates

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Hallelujah! Put your beads away idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Are my test results back?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? "

Good conversation should be like a woman's skirt.

A good conversation should be like a woman's skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A. Because 7 ate 9.

Lawyers and Blondes

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

Calcium is Funny

Q. How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A. Enough to make a bone eight inches long

Great medicine man

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

First grade proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

1. Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... me.
12. The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is... not much.
17. Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
18. None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
23. There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
24. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Drunk pilot

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

Talking Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A man of few words

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.“Just one!”
The customer replied “I’m a man of few words.”

Good or bad cake

One night a husband and his wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up."Dear there’s a burglar eating the cake downstairs!” said the wife."So should I call the police or the ambulance?” Said the husband

Only in America

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
• do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
• do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Teabags for a vampire

Q. What are teabags for a vampire?

A. Used tampons or sanitary napkins.

Optician

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Student taking an exam in brief(s)

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

Dr. Feelgood

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

What do you call when a group of women with PMS meet with a group of women with yeast infections?

A. Wine and Cheese Party

Fishing Affair

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Corporate Condoms Slogans

Imagine if major companies started producing or sponsoring condoms, they would become far more fashionable.......Imagine the following:

• Nike Condoms : - Just do it

• Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life

• Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms

• Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?

• KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good

• M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

• Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing

• Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going

• Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop

• Burger King Condoms :- Home of the whopper

• Nokia Condoms :- This is Human Technology

• Ericsson Condoms :- It's all about connecting people

• Motorola Condoms :- What you never thought possible

• Renault Condoms :- Size matters

• Energizer :- Never say never die

• Diet Coke - Just for the taste of it

• Ariston - And on, and on....

Lost Pen

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

Deadbeat man

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I guess."

Olympic condoms

A man comes home from work one day and tells his wife that he just bought a pack of olympic condoms.
His wife asks which ones should they try first and he replies "we'll try the silver medal condom first ok?" and she says "yes thats fine, atleast that means this time you WONT COME FIRST!!"

Bad Pick Up Lines

1. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
2. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
3. Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
6. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
7. How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
8. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
9. You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
10. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
11. Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
12. When does your centerfold come out.
13. I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
14. Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
15. Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

To impress: woman/man.

To Impress a woman:

• COMPLIMENT HER,
• RESPECT HER,
• HONOUR HER,
• CUDDLE HER,
• KISS HER,
• CARESS HER,
• LOVE HER,
• STROKE HER,
• TEASE HER,
• COMFORT HER,
• PROTECT HER,
• HUG HER,
• HOLD HER,
• SPEND MONEY ON HER,
• WINE AND DINE HER,
• BUY THINGS FOR HER,
• LISTEN TO HER,
• CARE FOR HER,
• STAND BY HER,
• SUPPORT HER,
• HOLD HER,
• GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER,

To impress a man:

• SHOW UP NAKED,
• BRING FOOD
• DO NOT STAND IN FRONT OF TV

New Age Barbie

Some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and aging gracefully.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion. Frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Clean her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on mules.
• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley &Bonus. includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
• Nursing Home Barbie. This Barbie is old, really old. She is endentulous (toothless grin), smacks her lips, and mumbles incomprehensible words. She has cataracts, hearing aid, pacemaker for her heart, wears diapers as she is incontinent, has artificial knee and joints as years of dancing have taken their toll on her fragile knees. She uses a walker to potter around from her bed to her bedside commode. As a bonus, she also comes with a PEG-Tube (feeding tube).

Sexy Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man,"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years --raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Airman Jones' sales pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Today in the Stockmarket

• Helium was up, feathers were down.
• Paper was stationary.
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
• Knives were up sharply.
• Cows steered into a bull market.
• Pencils lost a few points.
• Hiking equipment was trailing.
• Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
• Light switches were off.
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
• Diapers remained unchanged.
• Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
• The market for raisins dried up.
• Coca-Cola fizzled.
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
• Sun peaked at midday.
• Balloon prices were inflated.
• Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
• And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Smart Blonde

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"

Math Homework

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying
and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

New Taxi Driver

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost. After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

The Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

Painting Blonde's

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Blondie's Emergency Flashers

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop... "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Blurbs

1. Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are so tasty.
3. Save water. Shower with your friend.
4. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
5. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
6. A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can spend. A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
7. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
8. Don't try to shine shit, 'cos it gets gooey.
9. A clear conscience is the sign of bad memory

A Blonde's Diary

• January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
• February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ....Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
• March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
• April - Trapped on the Macy’s escalator for hours after the power went out!!
• May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
• June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• July -Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
• August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm .....car swamped because soft-top was open.
• September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
• October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
• November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
• December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!

WHAT A YEAR!!

Karate dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”
And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”

The Parrot's Son

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intensively on the youth's multicolored Mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Garden Thing

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.

I love you,
Ahmed.

Bonkistry

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for many years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE WAS FLAT? (95 points)

God is missing

Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Potential and reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

UR and Arab when...

You know you are an Arab when:

• A visa is not a credit card.
• Your refer to your dad's friends as Amoo.
• You have an endless supply of pistachios, dates, and pumpkin seeds.
• Your parents say you're becoming Americanized anytime you get into trouble.
• You curse at your teachers or strangers in Arabic.
• You can spot an Arab a mile away and they have spotted at you because they keep staring.
• After a family meal, the women fight to the death over who should wash the dishes while the men sit on their behinds and discuss politics, waiting for their tea.
• Your parents want you to become a doctor or engineer.
• You use your forehead and eyebrows to point something out.
• Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if you're in the next room.
• You have at least thirty cousins.
• You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.
• You are standing next to the largest suitcases at the Airport.
• You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
• You say bye 17 times on the phone.
• When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover they know one of your uncles back home.
• Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.
• Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
• You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
• Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
• You still came back home to live with your parents after you graduate.
• You teach Westerners swearwords in your Arabic.
• You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
• Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day.
• You've had a shoe thrown at you by your mother.
• Your family likes to barbeque year around.
• At least one person in your house eats raw Kebbe.
• When eating bizr is a lifestyle and not a snack.
• You're proud to be an Arab.

She Devil

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"

Child's view of retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

Sign Language Commuter

An attractive young woman gets on the city bus and facing the bus driver, she proceeds to put her right thumb to her nose and wiggles the other fingers on her right hand. The bus driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose, putting his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggling the eight fingers on his hands. Then the woman grabs both her breasts to which the bus driver responds by grabbing his crotch rather impatiently. Upon seeing the bus driver's gesture, the woman turns around, grabs her butt and stomps out of the bus.
A female passenger seated behind the bus driver sees the whole thing and comments, "In all my rides with you as the bus driver, this is the first time I see you act so lewdly, Tom. I'm going to have to report this to the Public Transport Authority."
"Hey, hold on there, Mrs. Smith," says Tom. "I can explain everything. That young lady is a deaf-mute. She asks if this bus is going through 5th Street. I tell her that this is going through 10th Street. She then asks it we are going to the Dairy Mall. So I tell her we're going to the ball park. Then she says, 'Oh, crap. I'm on the wrong bus.' before she gets off."

Illustrious Family

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Power of Observation

A professor teaching medicine is tutoring a class on 'Observation.' He then takes out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explains holding up the jar, "is urine. To be a good doctor, you have to use all your 5 senses.” After saying this, the professor dips his finger into the jar and puts it into his mouth.
His class watches on, more in disgust than in amazement. But being the diligent students that they are, as the jar is passed from one student to the other, one by one, they dip one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student is done, the professor shakes his head and says, "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth

Torek Singh - night guest

Torek Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission).Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's saree.
He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take picture."
The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Butol Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Butol explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel.
So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied "I have 2 grownup daughters.? Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.? Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up daughters?".?
The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"
Butol replied, " I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.

Billy Bob - the game got shot

Billy Bob was rushed to the emergency room suffering from a gaping gunshot wound on his left leg. While his wound was being cleaned, Billy Bob was asked by the doctor on duty how he got shot in the leg.
"Well, me and my buddies wuz sittin' around drinkin' some moonshine. Just mindin' our own bizness," recounted Billy Bob. "Then my best buddy Zeke got up and took up his shotgun and sez he wanna go huntin'." Billy Bob then paused with a grimace.
"So you were shot when you went hunting with Zeke?" inquired the doctor.
"No," replied Billy Bob. "I wuz shot just after Zeke ask me if I wanna go hunting with him and I sez, 'Sure. I'm game.

Deductive reasoning - 101

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University; I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning-- what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct!"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He's a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning-- what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Resignation letter

Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consisted performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes)
I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely
David Blocker
Network Administrator

Get rid of telemarketers

▪ If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
▪ If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
▪ If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
▪ This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (pause a few seconds, and then say in a really husky voice) "Okay, what are you wearing?"
▪ Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out how the heck she could know you.
▪ Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
▪ If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
▪ If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood? Chicken blood? Human blood too?"
▪ Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really," or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
▪ Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
▪ Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Hamster's blues

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me.
“Oldest trick in the book, son,” I informed him. “You go in to see what’s wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.”
“I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call for help! “Honey!” I yelled. “Look at the hamster!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife diagnosed after a moment. “She’s having babies!”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.
“Well, what was I supposed to do, post a sign in their cage?” she said sarcastically.
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her.
“Yeah. Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s a little hard to tell on some guys!” she growled.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t that great! What are we going to do with a litter of little hamster babies?” asked my wife.
“When the dog had puppies, I took them to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away,” I recalled.
“What do you want to do, take a pair of tweezers along so people can pick out their hamster?” she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a moment later. “We’re not making much progress,” I noted.
“Breech birth!” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Dad! Do something!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and, the next time the foot appeared, gave it a little tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
“Should I dial 911?” my daughter asked. “Maybe they could talk us through this.”
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted.
The vet took Ernie into the examining room, put him on the table, and peered at him through a magnifier.
“What do you think, Doc? An epidermal?” I suggested, scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that won’t ever happen. Ernie is a boy.”
“What!?”
“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, uh, er, ah...” he blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”
We stood in shocked silence, trying to absorb this. “So Ernie’s just… just… excited?” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And laugh. Then laugh loudly. Laugh uncontrollably!
“What’s so funny?” I demanded. Tears were running down her face.
“It’s just… that… I’m picturing you pulling on its…its… teeny little…” she had to gasp for air.
“All right! That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and bundled hamster and son back into the car. He was just happy everything was okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.
“Oh, you have no idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

Daughter's letter to home

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.
Fortunately, an attendant at the gas station near the dorm witnessed the fire in the dormitory and my jump, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection that prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different from ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have a venereal disease, and there is no boy in my life.
However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter

Howla Hyderabadi Joke

In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name is Howla. His father is ambitious to educate Howla, so he sends him to a school in Tappa Chabutra. There is a school inspection the next day and the conversation is as follows:
Teacher: Kal inispector ayinga. Kochanaa (questions) puchinga. Sab achaa padkey aau. Koi galath answer deengaa naa tho main uske pairaan thodtoom.
Howla: Iski maakki. Kyun aara inispector? Kaam dhandha nai hai usku? Kya kochanaa puchta kathey?
Teacher: Abey tereku kaiku re, tu kal school aanaaich nai. Tu tera moo khola to gaaliaan nikaltey. Tereku main absent nai daalthaum. Ghar pe baithkey gotiyaan khel. Tu school aayingaa to inispector ke saamney mere izzat ki biryaani karke khaaingaa tu.
So our Howla is excited, goes home and tells his father that he is not going to school the next day.
Father: Yeah kyaa hai..ischool hai paan ka dabba hai? Gaand pe maartaun saale tu ischool nai gaya to.
Howla: Arey Bava, mera teacher bola nakko aao bolke.
Father: Usku akhal hai ? Begum suno! Howla ischool nai jayinga kathey kal. Agar isney ischool nai gaya to kaise padhinga? Howla, agar tu kal ischool nahin gaya naa, tere haathan pairaan thod daaltaum.
So Howla cries and finally agrees to go to school. Next day in school, Teacher is very upset to see Howla back:
Teacher: Arey o musibat ki aulaad. Nakko aao bole to bhi kaiko aaya re ?
Howla: Mera bava gaand phodtum bola ischool nai gaya to.
Teacher: offo?! Tera bava bola? Theek hai chal. Last bench pe baith aur inispector aya to chchup jaa. Dikhnaich nai. Kuch bhi gadbad karinga naa meri noukri chale jayingi.
So Howla goes to sit in the last bench hiding behind a tall guy. Inspector comes for the visit.
Inspector: Adaab.
Teacher: Adaab saab. Bachen acha padrain saab. Kochchanaa puchey to answeraan yun bolte.
Inspector: Abaa? Offo! Ithney kilever hai aapke bachchey? Achchaa, ek bahuth easy sawaal - Hamarey body mein sab se nazook cheez kaun si hai?
Teacher: Arey Imtiyaz tu bata rey!
Imtiyaz: Saab, Khaleja saab.
Inspector: Aisa! ..... woh kyun?
Imtiyaz: Saab, khaleja hai to sab kuch hota. Agar woh gaya naa, kuch bhi nahin hota saab.
Inspector: Abaa, kya tez potta hai rey! Aur koi?
Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata re.
Akram: Saab bheja saab. Bhejey ku khuch bhi hua to kuch yaad nahin rehta saab. Haathaan pairaan kaam nai karthey, iscooter ku kick bhi nai maar sakthey saab.
Inspector: Abey Teacher, kya kya padaaraa re inku tu. Chutiye ke jaiseich answeraan bolrai naa!!
In the meantime Howla is trying very hard to hide but Inspector sees him. He thinks Howla is hiding because he does not know the answer.
Inspector: Woh last bench pe yun jhuk ke baithaa naa woh pottey ka naam kya hai?
Teacher: kaun saab? .......Woh! Woh, Howla hai saab.
Inspector: Howla? Ye kya naam hai? Kahan-kahan se lagaathey re bhai naamaan! Howla, woh lambu ke peechchey kaiku chchup raa tu?
Howla: Saab main moo khola to teacher maaringi saab.
Inspector: Tereku yaa mereku??
Teacher: Arey kya baath kar reh saab, main kaiku maarthaum aapku. Ye potta ekdam badmaash hai saab, jhoot bolraa. Abey Howla, answer maloom hain to bol nai tho khaamoosh baith jaa mere baap tere pau padthaum.
Howla: Saab sabse nazook cheez apne body mein Gaand hai saab.
Teacher: Allah!! Iney moo khola meri gaand lag gayi re!!!
Inspector: Abey kyaa to bhi bolra re! Sharam kar! Badon ke saamney aisaich baathaan karthey! Yeich sikhaaye tumhaarey amma-bavaa? Gaand kahaan kaa answer hai re?
Howla: Hau saab, gaand ich sabse naazook cheez hai. Kaiku boletho wahaan pe dilli mein baamb phata ...Yahan Hydrabad mein apni gaand phat thi ... ..Yahaan old city mein gadbadaan shuru hothey...wahaan new city mein sabki gaand phat thi. Uttnaa kaiku saab, main yeh answer bolraun naa, mere teacher ki gaand phatri dekho!!!!

Birthday gift

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Drunken driving

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Kitty marketing

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Carjacking foiled - true story

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of her car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.

The best rejection letter

There is this man who digs things out of his back yard labeling them with esoteric scientific names, and sends his finds to the Smithsonian Institute, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. After ignoring him for some time, the Smithsonian Institute eventually sends him a response after receiving his 9th "find," hoping that he would realize the futility of his efforts and abandon his practice. Here’s the unabridged text of the letter sent by the Smithsonian Institute to this deluded archeologist.

From:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Calms don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will chance upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you had proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Bad Santa

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Sunny Elliot’s one-liners

• Cereal killer: a person who is a big cereal breakfast fan.
• As itchy as a werewolf with ingrown hairs.
• As hazardous as doing tap dancing up in a hammock.
• As risky as a canary flirting with a cat.
• As exciting as a stampede of turtles.
• Only a mentally defective penguin might risk going out in such an inclemental weather.
• A politician always promises and then apologizes.
• As welcome as a skunk to a lawn party.

Lesson in politics

Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”
Dad: “Sure son, what’s it?”
Son: “What is politics?”
Dad: “Well, let’s take our home for example. I’m the wage earner, so let’s call me Management; your mother takes care of the money and spending, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Do you understand son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, as it appeared to have lights on. Peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning:-
Son: Dad, I think, I understand what’s politics is about?
Dad: That’s great son, let’s hear it in your own words.
Son: Well, Dad. The Government is sound asleep, while the Management is screwing the Working Class. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit!

Email from hell

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son came into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived!
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

To the Egress

Barnum’s (Barnum Bailey Circus) sign “To the Egress” fooled many people who thought they were going to see an animal and instead found themselves in the street.

Murder or Suicide?!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of a Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency stating that he could not support his drug addiction). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was terminated by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor where the shotgun had been fired was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus killing him instantaneously.
"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an interesting twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son was none other than the deceased -Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder, and his inability to financially support his drug problem. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."