Drunk pilot

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

Talking Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A man of few words

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.“Just one!”
The customer replied “I’m a man of few words.”

Good or bad cake

One night a husband and his wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up."Dear there’s a burglar eating the cake downstairs!” said the wife."So should I call the police or the ambulance?” Said the husband

Only in America

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
• do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
• do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering