Today in the Stockmarket

• Helium was up, feathers were down.
• Paper was stationary.
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
• Knives were up sharply.
• Cows steered into a bull market.
• Pencils lost a few points.
• Hiking equipment was trailing.
• Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
• Light switches were off.
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
• Diapers remained unchanged.
• Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
• The market for raisins dried up.
• Coca-Cola fizzled.
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
• Sun peaked at midday.
• Balloon prices were inflated.
• Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
• And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.