More Blonde jokes

Q. Why do blondes wear pony-tails? - To hide the air valve.
Q. Why did the blonde bury her driver's licence? - Because it had expired.
Q. What did the blonde ask when told she was pregnant? - How do you know it's mine?
Q. What is the mating call of a blonde? - "I'm soooo drunk!"
Q. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? - "She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."
Q. Why did the blonde only change her baby's disposable diaper once a month? - Because it said on the bag "good for up to 20 lb."
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? - "Look, they spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q. Why did the blonde not use her AM radio in the afternoon? - Because it was AM radio not PM radio.
Q. Why did the blonde climb on the roof? - She heard drinks were on the house.
Q. Why did the blonde wash her hair in the kitchen sink? - Because that' where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde? - Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? - Because it said "concentrate."
Q. Why do employer give blondes only half an hour for lunch? - Any longer and they'd have to retrain them.
Q. Why did the blonde move to LA? - Because it was easier to spell.
Q. How do you drown a blonde? - Put a mirror in front of your swimming pool.
Q. What do bleached blondes and 747s planes have in common? - Black boxes.

Rooster substitue

A man was driving on a country road and ran over a rooster which was crossing the road. He felt remorseful and went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. An old woman opened the door. He said, "I ran over your rooster - I would like to replace him."
"Please yourself," she replied. "The hens are round in the back of the house."

Godlike son

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first said: "My son's a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second lady said: "My son's a bishop. When he walks into a room, they say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third lady said: "My son's a cardinal. When he walks into a room, they say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth lady sipped her coffee in silence.
"Well?" asked the other three.
Finally she said: "My son is 6 feet 2 inches tall, wealthy, and gorgeous looking. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'"

Q. What did the number 0 say to number 8?

A. "Nice belt!"

Bumper Stickers

1. Go ahead and honk, I'm reloading.
2. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
3. So many pedestrians, so little time.
4. Minimum wage for politicians.
5. 10,000,000 sperms and you were the fastest?
6. To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
7. Eat a prune and start a movement.
8. I took my IQ test - it came back negative.
9. Now that you're on my tail, you wanna get married?
10. That's not a haircut - it's a cry for help.
11. Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
12. I'm not in heat so get off my tail.
13. Sssh. The driver is sleeping.
14. Air pollution is a mist-demeanour.
15. Say no to shampoo - demand real poo.
16. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
17. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
18. I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa...not yelling, and screaming like the passengers in his car.
19. We're not old people, we're recycled teenagers.
20. If that cell phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better.
21. My car, my dear mobile diner, office, and bedroom.
22. To err is human, to moo bovine.
23. This driver is cleverly disguised as a responsible and sober adult.
24. Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
25. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
26. This car is protected my Smith and Wesson.
27. Caution! Driver applying make-up.
28. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
29. I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.
30. Go ahead and hit me. I need the money.
31. This car is onstipated: it hasn't passed a thing all day.
32. You! Out of the gene pool!
33. Never mind the dog - Beware of the owner!
34. Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
35. Evacuate the road - student driving!
36. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
37. Smile and the whole world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.
38. I've not lost my mind - it's backed up on a disk somewhere.
39. I straight: don't rear end me.
40. Born free...taxed to death.
41. I just got lost in thought. It was afterall unfamiliar territory.
42. Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
43. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
44. I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
45. I brake for hallucinations.
46. Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.
47. Drive defensively - buy a tank.
48. Spare the fenders, save the trees, give your sober friend the f***ing keys!
49. Don't honk - I'm pedalling as fast as I can.
50. Warning: I have an attitutde and I know how to use it.
51. Flies spread disease. Keep yours closed.

Brains vs Brawns!

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in.

The Golf Course Story

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golfcourse, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”“No, I won’t”, he responded.“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath while his sides ached and his face turned bright red.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H… so I’m still a hole behind you.”

Yo mama is so fat...

1. Yo mama is so fat, that when she stood on a scale, it read "...to be continued.
2. Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.
3. Yo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
4. Yo mama is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
5. Yo mama is so fat her high school graduation picture was an aerial photo shot.
6. Yo mama is so fat she had to go to seaworld to be baptized.
7. Yo mama is so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
8. Yo mama is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs.
9. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
10. Yo mama is so fat the National Weather Agency has names for her farts.
11. Yo mama is so fat she had to have her ears pierced by a harpoon.
12. Yo mama is so fat she could be the eight continent.
13. Yo mama is so fat she puts lipstick with a paint-roller

Q. What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?

A. They were marooned.

Q. What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

A. Poultry in motion.

Space Shuttle SRBs and width of 2 horse asses

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, and 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheelspacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagonwheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/ Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses'asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launchpad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs aremade by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designedthe SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but theSRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launchsite. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through atunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and therailroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!

Reasons why it's not always great being a man:

1. If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for nothing bum.
2. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
3. If you mention how nice she look, it's sexual harassment; if you don't you're rude and arrogant.
4. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
5. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, it's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.

Reasons why it is great to be a man:

1. People never glance at your chest while you're talking to them.
2. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
3. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
4. All your orgasms are real.
5. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around wherever you go.
6. You can sleep around without any stain on your character.
7. Flowers fix everything.
8. You can sit with you knees apart.
9. You can eat a banana in public.

What do you call a man...?

1. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? - Doug.
2. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff.
3. What do you call a man in debt? - Owen.
4. What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack.
5. What do you call a man with a government subsidy? - Grant.
6. What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his ass? - Warren.
7. What do you call a man with a sports equipment on his head? - Jim.
8. What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his brain? - Widower.