Q. What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

A. Get married on his birthday.

Ways to be obnoxious at a funeral:

1. Tell the widow she looks hot and horny in black.
2. Take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
3. Drive behind the hearse playing rap music loud and keep honking your horn.
4. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
5. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
6. Listen to you iPod and do a booty shake dance at the graveside.
7. Ask the widow for the $10 the deceased owed you.
8. Tell the widow you're the deceased secret gay lover.
9. Attend the funeral wearing a clown's costume.
10. Everytime the widow cries and wipes her nose, blow a rasperry.
11. Slip plastic vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Things not to say to your prospective boss at a job interview:

1. I want your job.
2. I never work in the afternoon - I'm too drunk.
3. Do you want to hear about my police record?
4. Who's that old hag in the photo on your desk?
5. Have you just farted?
6. Where the hell did you get that tie?
7. I bet you have a crush on your secretary.
8. The voices in my head told me to come for this interview.
9. Now, that's a stupid question to ask....

Landed or Shot down!

After a really bumpy landing, the frightened passengers scurried out of the aircraft. Last one to leave was a little old lady who paused at the exit door and said shakily to the flight attendant: "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

Genuine answers given on written driving exams in California

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my licence plate.

Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.

Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.

Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she's cute.

Funny, genuine product slogans that did not translate well

1. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" was translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".
2. The Ford Pinto car met with a lukewarm response in Brazil where "pinto" is slang for "tiny male genitals". So Ford renamed the car Corcel, meaning "horse".
3. When Coors translated its slogan "Turn it loose" into Spanish, it came out as "Suffer from diarrhea".
4. Scandinavian vacuum-cleaner manufacturer Electrolux ran a US campaign: "Nothing sucks liks an Electrolux". In America, "sucks" is less than complimentary.
5. General Motors' Chevrolet Nova floppe in Spain because "no va" means "won't go".
6. The KFC slogan "finger-lickin' good" came across in Chinese as "eat your fingers off".
7. Bacardi concocted a fruit drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic, only to learn that in Germany "Pavian" means baboon.

Neurotic, psychotic, and psychiatrist

A neurotic is a guy who build castles in the air. A psychotic is a guy who lives in it. A psychiatrist is a guy who collects the rent.

Croaking grandpa

A little boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me, Grandpa."
"No son. I don't feel like making a frog noise right now."
"Oh, please, Granpa, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh, please Grandpa, make a frog noise."
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Cos Mum says when you croak we can go to Disneyworld."

Q. Why did the tomato blush?

A. Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.

Drunks on railway tracks

Two drunks were staggering home along the railway tracks.
The first said: "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second nodded: "Sure is! And the handrail is too low."

Penguin Mate

A guy contacted a computer dating agency in search of his ideal mate. He said: "I want a partner who is small and cute, who loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Ten seconds later, the computer printed out the identity of his dream companion: a penguin.

Twin, triplets, and septuplets

Three men were waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward at the city hospital. After a few minutes, a nurse came out to tell the first man: "Congratulations! You're the father of twin."
"Twins!" he exclaimed. "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company!"
Shortly afterwards, a nurse came to tell the second man: "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets."
"Triplets!" he said. "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M company!"
The third man stood up ashen-face and muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7 Up!"

President Bush a genius!

Here's one from Jay Leno, host of Tonight show - "An aide to the Prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his dad's money, lost the popular vote and yet ended up President. That's not a moron, that's genius!"

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

A giant Panda walked into a restaurant. He oredered some food, ate it, than pulled out a gun and blew the brains out of the waiter. Alerted by the shots, the manager appeared just as the panda was making his way to the door.
"Hey you!" yelled the manager. "You just shot my waiter. Where do you thing your'e going?"
The panda replied calmly, waving his gun at the manager. "I'm a panda. Just look it up in the dictionary."
When the panda was gone, the manager looked up in the dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said: "Furry mammal, lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Q. What's a zebra?

A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his mother was in a jam!

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words: " A woman without her man is nothing" on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote :"A woman: without her, man is nothing." Punctuation is powerful!!

The Heights

1. Height of Confusion - Two worms trying to screw around in a bowl of noodles.
2. Height of pain - A guy sliding down a razor's edge using his balls as brakes.
3. Height of revenge - A bastard with a pin in his hand, lose in a condom factory.
4. Height of Noise - Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
5. Height of Innocence - A teenage girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking these were zits.
6. Height of Unemployment - Cobwebs in prostitute's vagina.
   

The mom is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question : Where's the father?

Answer:
The mom is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) 5.
Hence, C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4 = -9 months.
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months."
So right now, the father is on top of the MOTHER!!"

Tit for Tat

A shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful chick sitting alone. After an hour he musters enough courage to go and ask her, "Ahem! Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She yells at him, " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS AN HOUR. THATS TOO MUCH!"

Parrots get dates

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Hallelujah! Put your beads away idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"